Happy Birthday to me!

It’s my Birthday.

As bad as I feel like I should be happy I’m not. Before I went to sleep I was kind of excited and as the night went on the less enthused I became. I don’t know whether it’s because I wasn’t greeted with some elaborate and thoughtful gift from my husband or even a card. I am turning 29 today and I don’t feel very hopeful or optimistic at what the day will bring. I started my day with tears once I was alone wallowing in self pity. Who lets depression overcome them on their own Birthday. I know that this is a feeling that I’ll have to experience alone because duty calls and I’ll spend the next 12-14 hours caring for my 8 year old 2 year old twins (one of them is up now). #NoDaysOff (haha). Who’s sad or upset on their birthday? I don’t want to burden others with my disappointment so I’ll put a smile on my face and press on for the public. I plan to wash and clean up some. I know a few ppl plan on me getting out for drinks but I really just want to sulk because I know that by the time my husband makes it home I’ll be dead tired. This shit sucks and I’d just like to be able to genuinely enjoy “my day”

Self pity is literally the worst. It’s my birthday and I can cry if I want to. So if anyone reads this and knows someone with a Birthday soon plz make it special for them with even the smallest gesture.

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Happy Birthday to me!

Life as I know it …

Working hard to accomplish goals that no one seems to care about but me. I yearn so deeply to help my family be in a better position that when things don’t go as planned I face the deep disappointment on my own. In this moment I’m sitting here upset at being put on the back burner with no one to talk to or vent to and it’s hard. I have… well had a friend of like 12 years that I would vent to with no hesitation and not long ago things got awkward so now it’s just me and sad to say I’m not enough. My anxiety has been boiling over the last few nights and although I talk to my husband and he sympathizes it’s like no one gets it! I came here and this is where I’ll leave those troubles because otherwise they’ll just fester inside of me until I’m in the shower or bed silent crying and I want to avoid that at all costs. I wish I had true motivation and dedication that I just used to come here and vent to also place into my school work. I just lack motivation on so many levels it’s truly ridiculous. Not to mention this job hunt I’ve been on applying for job after job after job like at least 25 a day LITERALLY! I apply but when I really think about it I may not be able to take one of the opportunity presented it’s self because we are down to one car. Times aren’t as bad as they could be but mentally, emotionally and financially things aren’t the way I’d like them to be. 
I hope whoever reads this is doing well 💋

Life as I know it …

Lost… the truth hurts! 

I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do or why to even do it. I tell him that I’m single and he’s free to do as he pleases with no repercussions and all I get in return is silence or no as if he has any say in the situation. I can’t stand by and knowingly continue in a relationship (marriage)  with someone who has up until a week or two a go been having raw sex with Someone he’s barely known for 6 months. They say it begin in mid summer, details I shouldn’t want to know but the confusion of it all drives me to ask questions that I really don’t want to know the answer to. She knew he was married and neither cared enough to say no. He didn’t even value my health enough to strap up. It’s such a sad reality that I’m facing now as I go through this alone. Who is he to not accept the fact that we aren’t together? 
What did I do wrong? What did I say wrong? 
He’d go by her by her apartment and fuck her like 2 times a week. He’d go to her job after work just to say hi and kiss her all in the mouth in front of others. He’d  Text and talk to her all day on his work phone. Then he’d come and kiss me and our children when the same mouth he disrespected me with. 
He has a lot of nerves and last night when I was faced with the reality of the situation via fb messenger I couldn’t find tears, only hatred and disappointment. Hatred for him because he has put my health in danger and disappointment in myself for believing he actually loved me enough to be faithful. 

Lost… the truth hurts! 

Feelings of a lonely soul

I feel like the mask I wear throughout the day has been removed in this moment. I’m just sad. Like literally just sad. I feel so sad that my life seems so mundane and I have no real social life outside of social networking. I catch myself picking up my phone aimlessly touching the Facebook or snapchat icon with out much thought. No one is to blame for this sadness but me. I often sit and wonder why did I let my life become this way. Looking at other people’s posts and pictures is my enjoyment because I’m deeply wishing I was living the life they are. I know that it’s not all shimmery glitter and fairy dust for them either but I envy their ability to live. My kids are my only source of happiness honestly my insecurities override my happiness in my marriage and being over weight only lowers my self esteem more, not to mention the 2-3 hrs of real sleep I get daily because I’m up at all hrs thinking of my mistakes, faults and bad decisions. The what ifs are what I dispise most. The weight part is completely my fault but I have no energy to change that when my days are filled with diaper changes feeding my household and being sad combined with a lack of sleep. I’m just venting with no cause because I have no one else to share these thoughts with. Maybe one day I’ll look back on this and it will only be a distant memory . I hope no one reads this for fear of judgement. Anyway good night Crystal. It gets greater later. 

Feelings of a lonely soul

Alton Sterling – A sad reality

The video is circulating all over and the facts are hard to overlook. I’m not quick to judge a situation but wrong is wrong and right is right. Let us pray for change! Let us be the change we want to see! Let us love one another! Let us be FREE! 

It’s so sad. It takes me back to things I heard about our not so distant past where we as people of color couldn’t walk with our heads held high. We had to show gratitude for being able to walk around “freely” amongst those of fairer skin like we hadn’t earned the right to be called American. It’s nothing but a sad cycle continuing. I’m lifting these babies in prayer because our lives don’t hold much weight. Smh

I love you 

Alton Sterling – A sad reality

Bitching of course! 

In done being a slave to this happiness that seems so out of reach. I think it’s time I live my truth and stop reaching for the stars when they can’t be touched. This sounds like I’m giving up but indeed I’m not I’m just changing focus. Don’t ask me on what because to that I have no real answer. To sum it up… I’m just going to live! Quit thinking about the wrong others do to me or what hasn’t gone my way or even feelings for that matter. The love I have for my kids is my focus and becoming a better mother. Putting hope in others seems to leave me with a false sense of security that has only been breeched a hundred times over and over with a slew of broken promises. I refuse to Let someone else’s fuck ups make me miss out on sleep (much like tonight) because I’m so caught up on what part I played when I was just someone affected that played no part at all. I guess this is the feeling you have when you don’t know what to do. That was more of a question than a statement but it was worded as a statement and not a question so I guess I’m just saying idk what to do. I lay here just like what’s next clearly it isn’t sleep. I come here and clear my mind. I’m clueless if anyone will even read or like this and neither do I care. I’m an asshole in that way lol. I just have to vent to my only friend and apparently it’s this WordPress app that I have downloaded to my phone.
Good night WordPress ily. Thanks for being here for me when I need you. You can’t see the tears but they’re there. 

Bitching of course! 

All fucked up

I’m tired of yelling so I decided to bring my heart here. I’m placing it on this platter with no feelings of fear. The fear lies in my reality that is hard to predict. When love goes astray I try not to trip. Been married 2 years and the problems come and go. When disrespect is the issue I lose control. We agreed friends were off limits if it’s not genuine at a least. If it’s genuine then no secrets should we have to keep. No messages deleted or call logs erased. If it’s so innocent and friendly there’s nothing to hide. The deciet comes with lying from deep down inside. I don’t deserve nor want it but I’m stuck with no options. When I ask you a question and you continue to lie but you think trust is merely given not earned over time. I dedicate my life to keeping my family afloat. I get repaid with petty lies and being taken for a joke. I can barely look his way as he acts like it didn’t happen but he allowed his “friend” to open her mouth and disrespect me. Even worse he disrespected me by bringing her in and now I’m left feeling broken and torn apart only on me can I depend.
Ugh 

All fucked up